Category: the Rant Board
Hi!
I am so mad and so flabbergasted!
My husband and I have an acquaintance who is in her mid-thirties, with four kids, separated from her husband but they're all living in the same house. We helped them out with groceries a couple months ago because they were stuck in a tough space.
They helped us move last month into the new house we just bought.
About two weeks ago, we had an open house/housewarming party. This acquaintance, we'll call her C, had an argument with my mother-in-law. C home-educates her children, and my mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law are both teachers. A disagreement ensued, and instead of acting mature and agreeing to disagree, C stomped into our kitchen, grabbed her keys, slammed our door and drove home. I got a sorta-apology email from her that night, and chalked it up to immaturity and a personality conflict.
Over the last couple weeks, we've texted back and forth a bith; I've asked about the kids, and she wanted to know when I could go shopping; that kind of thing.
Last night, she sent me a text asking this:
"Would you and your husband mind if my ex stays with you for awhile because you have extra rooms?"
Come to find out that C hasn't even told her ex that she's asked us!
The acquaintanceship is done! How am I supposed to be friends with someone I don't respect, and who shows no respect for her own (ex) husband?
CM
You certainly shouldn't have to. For one thing, a true friend would call sometimes just to say Hi, how are you doing, and that sort of thing. Also, her ex husband should have asked you, not her, or at the very least, she should have talked to him about it, and then asked you about it. I'm sure I'm not saying anything you don't already know, but I'm sure it's not a very nice situation for you.
OD, I agree... I'm just so floored by her audacity....
CM
As to the homeschooling bit, I will say it is extremely easy to put these folks on the defensive, and often without meaning to. Besides that, many religious people feel the need to defend homeschoolers at any and every cost, because they're defending the idea of it.
Also, on the other side, there are teachers and school administrative staff who for one reason or another have the same issue, defending their institutions.
If you're like me and think that things defend themselves, and aren't married to one idea / ideal or the other, you can quickly get caught between a rock and a hard place. Basically both sides on that issue are defending the idea they wish to portray. This is far different than defending a finding based on field testing, bench results and the like. In short, I think both extremes deserve each other, but it's too bad the rest of us get caught in the middle at times.
That sounds like when my grandma and brother get into what they call political discussions. They're more or less at the extreme opposite ends of the political scale and can get quite passionate about it and heaven help anyone in the same room since in their views there's no middle of the road.
Yes, but a mature, structured debate is much different than an immature, childish argument, complete with name calling, door slamming, and other possibly harmful and destructive behavior.
Agreed. To be honest it wasn't the homeschool/public sc
hool debate that I am so floored by. It's more what she asked later about her ex living with us. Come to find out, she never told him that she was aking us... the nerve!
What a rotten situation. I say remove yourself from it.
I wouldn't associate with those people if I were you, regardless of how it has been in the past.
I am going to write her an email and explain why I will no longer associet with her. It won't be pretty
you don't have to justify yourself to anyone, as far as I'm concerned. emailing her/contacting her in any way will simply add more fuel to the fire. just let sleeping dogs lie, if you will.
I disagree. Whether or not she likes what I have to say, she has to know that her blatant disrespect will not be tolerated by me or my husband. She may get angry and defensive, but at least she'll know where I stand
I'm with CM on this one. Writing an Email will at least let her know where you stand, and put an end to the situation, if you will. If you send an Email, she has no excuse for assuming you'll tollerate her behavior.
Exes are insane sometimes.
My fiance's ex-wife tried to pass off a pregnancy that she knew wasn't his onto him, when she knew it was the man who she'd been having the affair with for 2 years previous.
this after settling an incredibly unfair deal over the divorce, and later she went on to turn his oldest daughter against him.
not to mention simply the fact that she treated him all the while like it was his fault when it wasn't...I mean she had the affair.
that's just horrible.
and the thing that angers me about breakups is that it's pretty unfair for men. women get a lot of sympathy and courts more often than not side with them when children are involved. fathers cop a lot of crap that a lot of them don't actually deserve.
Agreed, Swiss.
So the email is going out today, and thenb hopefully I will get her out of my life; I definitely don't want to follow her example when it comes to treating my husband. Whether or not they are legally separated, they are sharing living space right now so his opinions need to be considered...
Wait, I am not quite understanding things here, I think.
I thought friends could ask you for pretty much whatever favor but then it is up to you to say yes or no. Wouldn't simply a "no, we do not feel comfortable with that" suffice, why does it make her totally evil and inappropriate. The question is somewhat appropriate definitely, and I would never say yes to such a request, but neither would I just totally dump a friend out of my life and call him/her crazy and rude for it, not if it did not extend at all past just asking, and may be she was upset or depressed or at her wit's end when she asked you about it.
I am not saying she is not behaving awfully, and perhaps you are better off without her, but I don't understand why this is such a huge deal and friendship breaker and makes her such a bad person.
What I like about my friends is I can sometimes ask them for stuff I could not ask anyone else and they will help me, if they can.
Again, no criticism and I surely do not know the situation fully, but I just find this total u-turn just based on this and an argument a little odd.
Regarding break ups .. the person who is your friend or you are dating will always say it was the other person's fault. People have a tendency to paint themselves utterly innocent and the evil "other" one totally always in the wrong. I find this very skeptical at best, I think it's always a bit of both people, or at lesat in most cases.
I've made plenty of mistates in past relationships and I do my uttermost to recognize what I did wrong and not to slam the girls I was with and pass them off as evil people, for they weren't.
Of course I am relatively lucky, I am sure, and never had crazy exes or kids or pregnancies to deal with, but in general I just do not buy the "he/she is totally evil" myth.
-B
Hi, B,
It's hard to explain... you'd have to meet this woman to understand. I don't know if I can explain it well... but basically it's her over-all attitude about everything (her kids are perfect, but when they are loud and obnoxious it's because they have ADHD and it's not their fault, for example). Also, even when she was legally married she did not treat her husband well at all. It's hard to explain, B.. I am sorry I don't do a good job.
There are two sides to every story, but still, she probably should have asked her ex before she went and started attempting new living arrangements for him.
Lol, oh I understand CM, and I know you to be level headed and pretty fair to people, so if you do not like someone, there are very good reasons for it.
I just wanted to bring up this angle, because purely from your post on the boards, I would say you are over reacting. But I know what you mean, some people I just can't stand and cut them out of my life, because we're both better off for it.
You know, if one of my friends were treating her husband or children poorly, I probably wouldn't dump her out of my life straight away, but I'd definitely try to get her side of it, and if I didn't like or believe what I heard, that's when i'd act on it.
The response to my email was pretty underhanded, that I wasn't the person she thought I was and that it was her fault to think I was something other than what I was... people like me are the reason she's leaving the church, and how dare I make judgments on her behavior...
I've heard her pretty much insult her husband on the phone, tear him down publicly, etc... I'm better off without her.
CM
Wow. That really is a pretty immature response, if you ask me.
Yeah... it is. She didn't really address any of my concerns but...yeah. LOL
I don't know what the problem is. If you don't want your friends ex to stay with you, just say no to the request.
As for the argument, I'm not sure how long you've known your friend, but if your friendship has lasted a long time, you should know what she's like by now.
It hasn't been a long acquaintanceship; I haven't invested so much in it that walking away has been painful. To be honest I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shouders.
In all honesty, I kind of agree with those posters who are saying it shouldn't be that big a deal.
If it's the overall mindset and attitude that's made you wash your hands, I guess I can understand that. But this particular instance, while cheeky and definitely not appropriate, isn't exactly a game-breaker for me. It seems as if you put a hell of a lot of stock into how this woman treats your husband. You're not her husband, correct? I'd put a bit more emphasis on how she's treating -you. Dismiss her inappropriate question by telling her that the answer is no and that she ought to have been ashamed of herself by asking; beyond that, take it as it is.
I definitely don't tolerate immaturity very well, not in situations like this at any rate. I do know that separations and the like tend to be very hard on those who are going through them, and they're ultimately the business of those involved, not those on the outside looking in. I dunno...this whole thing seems a touch on the harsh/judgmental side to me...but that's me, and there's lots I don't know.
Hi, Shepherdwolf,
It's definitely an attitude thing with this woman; the impertinent question was definitely the straw that broke the camel's back.
That's exactly what I was just thinking; the straw that broke the cammel's back. If it was just about the favor, I would agree with many of you that it shouldn't result in terminating the friendship, but if that wasn't the first thing that happened...well, that's a different story.
Again, kind of late, but I haven't been around the rant board for awhile.
Crazy musician, I seriously believe how people treat others is a good idea of how they may treat you sometime in the future, and the same goes for me. People know where they stand with me, which won't get me far socially, it sure won't catapult me into management or even supervision, hey, you have to be able to get along with people whether you like 'em or not to do those jobs, but people have an idea how I may treat them should the relationship sour: I prefer avoidance as confrontations can get ugly.
I have known some types like your aquaintance up here, women who browbeat their husbands publicly, drop names, very aggressive, open people, and it makes me wonder: How are they going to treat ME if this is how they treat the one they are supposed to be closest? I don't think you're wrong for dropping this acquaintance.
I had a similar acquaintance I at one time thought was a friend, then got smart and caught on. Like yours, this one had the nerve to think our place was hers in the event of eviction, also one time when the couple got a new apartment & she thought his behavior would be bad because she failed to get him his repo'd vehicle back. She'd go behind my back to Mr. Sponge, whose a bit of a softie. Being that landlord/tenant laws vary from state to state and where we live the burden of proof, or villainization is on the landlord, it would have been up to us to prove we only wanted her to stay on a temporary basis should she decide to be her usual leach self and stay longer. No way I would have this, and told Mr. Sponge so. If this couple was strictly acquaintance and not friends, I think it took her a lot of balls to ask if her ex could stay with you, as their separation is their problem and not yours. This woman sounds like my acquaintance, like your giving her an inch (helping buy groceries) entitled her to take a mile. Good riddance.
Agreed! To be honest, she demanded a response to her earlier email to me. I thereby responded with probably more volitility than planned, but if she demanded a response, she got one. her response back to me was simply something along the lines of Well, if you can'[t accept me as I am and be my friend without judging me (read: without calling me on bad behavior) then we can't be friends... not because of my behavior but because of y9our judgment.
WHAT??????
Now isn't that alot of drama? I say, stop the emails and just cut her out.
I second that motion. My "friend" I just let go as some folks don't take rejection well, and at best you have "computer wars", at worst, anyone remember the late Selena & her thieving business manager Yolanda Saldivar in Texas? This poor lady died confronting her manager to end their relationship.
No more contact. I have not talked to this woman in two weeks and my life is SO much simpler. People will figure out her behavior soon enough.
glad to hear this; I think it's probably the best decision you could make in the long run, for all involved.